The Rules Of Cheating Part 2

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The Rules Of Cheating Part 2

The Apple store, dark. Closed. Apparently the store closed early on Sunday, at 7pm to be exact. Out of vodka and juice. I needed more booze and maybe a twenty-four hour Apple store. I wanted to play Tetris so bad I could taste it.

I wanted to let my fingers do the walking on an iPhone.

Life sucked.

I got into the car and started the engine. My pre-paid phone rang. I answered it. Darren's voice on the other end worried me.

“Dude, I need help. Meet me in the hills, please. I need help with it.” Darren said, then hung up.

I had nothing much to really do. I did however need more liquor. The warmth of the buzz was wearing thin. It didn't really matter anyway. Nothing did. Ever, anywhere, at any time that ever existed.

The hills were just that. The hills towered over the Inland Empire. The giant white letters that were build into the side of the hill, those letters, they spelled out: Choose Life.

Republicans were insane but Liberals were retarded, there was no real way to win.

I drove the small path, the path that ended behind the obnoxious sign. Parked next to Darren. The black sky appeared gray, reflection of the stark city lights. The cool Spring air lingered. No one came to the hills. A year ago some Satanic cult slaughtered cats up there. That kept even the Cholos and Blacks at bay.

Darren leaned against his car, smoking a cigarette. His head lights illuminated the beginning of a hole, some lone shovel appeared strewn to the side.

“I couldn't even dig my own fucking hole. I feel like Pesci in Goodfellas.” He said.

“You gonna bury the hillbilly?”

“You gonna help?”

“I guess.”

“You get an iPhone?”

“Store closed.” I said.

“That's fucking gay.”

“I know.”

“You got coke?” He asked. It was sort of rhetorical, Darren knew I had coke.

I chopped four lines on a Violent Femmes CD case. We each did two lines with a rolled up Chinese restaurant pamphlet. Then we had the power to dig a seven foot deep hole. Then the hillbilly thudded into his final resting place.

“Should we say something?” I said.

Silence a beat.

Darren whipped out his dick, started pissing on the hillbilly corpse. I laughed, then joined him. I hated being on coke, but when in Rome and when the Percocet and Vicodin and Xanax runs out, you must resort to whatever you have in your blazer pocket. I needed a downer quick or I would start to “coke freak” it was something I had done in the past.

At the liquor store. I bought three bottles of cheap vodka. Darren only drank beer when he was on coke. He had a six pack of Pinky’s Pilsner under his arm. I picked out three bottles of pineapple juice. The store smelled like sour milk and cheap cigars.

In the parking lot, we drank.

“I need more downers.” I said.

“I know a guy in Fontana.”

“I'll follow you.”

On the freeway, traffic was non-existent. All the neon electric signs I passed were hyper-realistic. I felt like a mouse stumbled into a Las Vegas casino. The colors and noise. I realized that the stereo was turned to its limit. The Ramones screamed out of my speakers.

“I don't like Burger King, I don't like anything...” Joey Ramone sang.

I exited at Sierra, following Darren north bound. I drove past Fast food places, mini marts, bars, pizza places, bums, cops, more and more neon lights. Eventually everything got nicer and not as bright and then I realized we were not in Kansas anymore.

Darren parked along a curb. I parked behind. The street, residential. Track homes that all looked the same. A Beamer here, a Porsche there, Range Rovers a plenty. I finished the first cup of vodka and juice. The buzz throbbed, mild euphoria blanketed my soul. I wanted to be even more down.

I got out of the car. Darren met me at my door. He had buttoned up his coat, a tire iron in his right hand.

“Pit stop. After this, my connections place, it's further south. He always has good Percocet and Vicodin.” He said, his face dark.

“O.K.” I didn't care about Darren's personal drama. I had nothing to do anyway. I followed along. Drunkenness shadowed reason.

Behind the track home, there was a pool. The pool illuminated the backyard with underwater lighting. I plopped into a pool side tanning chair and lit a cigarette and Darren smashed a window with the tire iron. He crawled through the gap in the window. I sipped vodka and pineapple from the juice bottle.

“Hey. Come here.” Darren's head stuck out of the hole in the window. I stood up and walked over to the hole and looked at Darren. He smiled like a demon. “This is the place. Come on inside.”

Inside the house had nice furnishing. Latest gadgets and TV mounted to the wall, surround sound, Blu-Ray. The carpet smelled fresh. Darren searched through drawers. I looked at pictures on a fire place mantle. The girl in the pictures I recognized immediately.

You know that moment in life when everything doesn't make sense? Stars and science and violence and politics and shit. Even the technology behind the very iPhone I had been wanting. Sometimes though there are moments when everything makes sense. This was one of those moments.

The girl in the picture was clearly porn star Hilary Hennessy. Except instead of a dick in her mouth or butt plug up her ass or semen on her face, she wore clothes and regular clothes that. No hot pink bikini, thong back panties, black thigh high stockings, nor ridiculously large heels. Just jeans and t-shirts with family and friends and even little siblings.

“Why did you break into Hilary Hennessy's house?” I asked Darren.

“Go through everything, try to find an address book or file cabinet.”

“O.K.”

“Her name isn't really Hilary Hennessy.”

“She just looks like her? I'm positive that's her.”

“Oh no, it's porn star Hilary Hennessy alright. But her real name is Blanche Matthews. She was raised a hardcore Mormon in Utah, but she rebelled and moved to Hollywood to pursue acting. One thing lead to another and POOF. She became Hilary Hennessy.”

“O.K. Why are we in her house?”

“You are in her house because you followed me in here upon my request. I am in her Summer house, by the way, because the one-hundred and forty-fourth rule of cheating is never get caught off guard by the person you are cheating with.”

“O.K. So you and Hilary are fucking?”

“On the contrary, quite the opposite, we were fucking. She stopped fucking me, then came the restraining order and blah blah blah.”

“Who is she with?”

“No one, she's single.”

“So no one is cheating.”

“Wrong. I'm the one cheating.”

“Huh?” I said. This was confusing because I had known Darren for years. Granted I had never seen where he lived or met any of his family nor did we speak of such topics.

“This is what I believe is called a next level move in a friendship.” He stopped looking through things for a second, he looked at me. “I'm married.”

“Hmm.” Was my reply.

“I'm also in love with Blanche Mathews aka Hilary Hennessy and I need to find the address to her home in Hollywood.”

“You want to drive out to Hollywood just to tell Hilary Hennessy that you are in love with her?”

“No, I'm going to drive to Hollywood to kill Hilary Hennessy aka Blanche Mathews so that she doesn't run her mouth off to my wife. The fifty first rule of cheating is to tie up any loose ends.”

As I helped Darren rummage through Hilary's private property I realized a few things. There was an Apple store in Hollywood, Darren actually had a wife, and I wasn't sure, but Darren may have been making up the rules of cheating as he went along.

To Be Continued...?

(New Short Story)The Rules Of Cheating

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The Rules of Cheating

by

Shane Grey

I wanted to play Tetris.

For some reason I wanted to do that since I woke up. Even after I puked my guts out and realized that last night limits were tested. In the mirror the reflection didn't recognize me. I didn't recognize the reflection either.

I wanted to buy an iPhone.

I had had a Blackberry. Then I an Android. I still had the Android, but now it seemed obsolete. Everything eventually sucked or got old or died. Really there was no point in even having a phone. Shannon couldn't talk during the day anyway, even if she did call me. The only person that called me was Darren. The clock said 4:25pm. Darren would be waiting for me.

“Dude, lemme get this straight, you could be fucking Shannon, you could have your dick deep in her pink tissue, but you're not?” Darren said.

“I can't fuck her because I'm sitting here with you.” The hangover that rested in the front of my skull, it radiated toward the back. A reminder to not mix red wine and vodka and vicodin. “Besides, she's married.” I said, adjusting my sunglasses. They helped from the light, but not much.

An 80's moment when Darren spit out his Coke. All the people in the diner looked at us. A little kid laughed.

“WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?” Darren said. The silverware dropped off my napkin as I picked it up, using it to dry my sunglasses and face of Darren's saliva swimming cola.

“What the fuck what?” I said. Put the sunglasses back on, then took another bite of sour licorice. My hangover food consisted of candy(fruity or sour or both), water, and beer.

“Shannon? The oh-my-god-I-think-I'm-in-love-with-her-Shannon? The Shannon is married?”

“Yeah. She is.” I said, indifferent.

“But you could fuck her?”

“Yeah. I mean, why not?”

“Why not? What do you know about seducing a married woman?” Darren said. He wasn't making a statement, he was setting up one of his epic lectures.

“I can charm women, Darren. Didn't mean for that to rhyme.”

“So you're worried she won't cheat on her husband with the likes of you?”

“Wife.” I said.

“Huh?”

“She's married to a woman. Shannon is married to a woman, I think her name is Kelly.”

“You're fucking crazy. The seventh rule of cheating is never do it(cheat)with a dyke.”

“That word is incredibly offensive.” I pause a beat, remembering it's just Darren. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked, put the licorice down, sat up a bit.

“The rules of cheating. You know?” Darren said, oblivious to my own ignorance.

“I have no fucking clue, that is why I ask.”

“There are a lot of rules, man. But I follow the basic ten.”

“Great. I can feel one of your speeches coming on. I want to hear it. But first, follow me to Walgreen's so I can get a six pack of Big Flats.” I said.

Big Flats lager had to be my favorite beer at the time. But I never was one to judge beers or choose favorites. If it gets you drunk and has bubbles, it was my favorite.

“I'll meet you there. I gotta stop and say hey to Debbie.” Darren said.

Debbie had big tits and a small waist and lots of straw blonde hair. Darren worked on getting her to give him a blow job. He'd heard previously that she was really good at it. Debbie also had a boyfriend. He was some loser hillbilly bouncer at some shit kicker line dancing dive bar. It never seemed to bother Darren that maybe if hillbilly found out he might come looking to kill him.

I strolled the cooler of Walgreen's until I came across the six packs of Big Flats. I grabbed two and headed to the cashier. At the register I bought a pack of Camel Lights, a green Bic lighter, breath mints. The girl at the register rang me up. She smiled and I figured if I told her my car was a Porsche, she would fuck me. But I drove an old Toyota.

Behind Walgreen's I sat on some plastic milk crate and cracked a beer. At some point later Darren showed up, smiling.

“What's up?” He said. He took a seat on a red milk crate and took one of the beers.

“Are you fucking glowing?” I asked.

“Yeah. She did it, man.”

“Who did what?”

“Debbie. She sucked me up, even let me titty fuck her.”

“Good times. How did you pull that off?”

“I followed the basic ten rules of cheating.”

“Alright, let me hear these rules.” I said.

Darren stood up, chugged his beer, tossed the can aside. Then he burped loud. Then he said:

Rule #10

Get a pimp phone(aka burner phone). This is a no contract phone available anywhere.

Rule #9

Never do it with the same girl more than twice. That includes oral, hand jobs, anal, genital fondling.

Rule #8

Never do it at your place of living or business.

Rule #7

Never do it with Lesbians or bi-sexual chicks. Same rule applies if you're gay(never with straights or breeders).

Rule #6

Be safe. Condoms, etc.

Rule #5

Keep your personal affairs personal. Don't share your place of business or living or even favorite song.

Rule #4

Use a fake name or alias. I.e., Todd or Kyle(if your name isn't either of those already).

Rule #3

Enjoy yourself.

Rule #2

If you get caught see rule number one. In the event you do get caught, deny it and take it to the grave.

Rule #1

Don't get caught.

The list would be better read bottom to top.

Darren grabbed another beer. I sighed, my headache slowly faded, but it still lingered.

“What else did you get?” He asked

“Smokes, Tylenol, a lighter.”

“Can I get a smoke?” I gave him one and lit it up. “You took Tylenol after a night of drinking?”

“Yeah.” I said.

“I figured you would understand not to do that.”

“Why? Cause of the whole possible liver damage?”

“Yeah.”

“That's an old wives tale.” I said.

I still wanted to play Tetris. I still wanted an iPhone, a white one. I wanted to play Tetris on my new iPhone. I was about to ask Darren where the Apple store was, but this loud roaring echoed the alley.

A large chopper motorcycle with an even larger hillbilly on it.

The bike stopped in front of us. Turned off. The hillbilly put it on the kickstand and stepped off. He took of his sunglasses. I left mine on. So did Darren, but he stood up from the crate.

“Which one of you fuckers is Dweasel?” The hillbilly said.

“That's me.” Darren said.

“My lady gave you a blow job, now her tits smell like your baby batter. I ain't cool with that, man.”

“Sorry, but it was a personal quest of mine.” Darren/Dweasel said.

What amazed me was the coolness of Darren. He seemed to not be scared. The hillbilly had a least a hundred and sixty pounds on skinny Darren. I myself skinny from all the alcohol and pills. I hardly ever ate actual food.

The hillbilly pulled his fist back, Darren pulled a gun from the back of his pants, he shot the hillbilly in the head. Blood and chunks of brain matter exploded everywhere, like a watermelon at a Gallagher show. I finished what was left of my beer. Stood up.

“What the fuck?” I said.

“Sorry, man. I didn't know he followed me from her place.” Darren said, wiping blood from his sunglasses. “Can you help me get this into my trunk?”

I helped him put the headless hillbilly in his trunk. He left the bike there. We said our goodbye's, until tomorrow, we would meet at the diner. Before he left I asked him a question.

“Why do you have a gun?”

“Rule number sixty-four. If you sleep with married women, or just generally cheat long enough, it may come back to bite you in the ass, so carry a gun.” Darren said, putting on his sunglasses.

“Is that really the rule?”

“Something like that. I just like carrying a gun, it makes me feel cool.”

Afterward, I washed my face off on the in the bathroom of Walgreen's. The reflection didn't know who I was, nor did I know who he was. I bought a bottle of vodka, a quart of pineapple juice, one of those protein shaker cups.

On the drive to the Apple store I drank the vodka and juice.

The Cheapest Whiskey Ever...

We have all had the cheap, generic, store brand version of liquor. Right? Of course we have. What doesn't make sense to me is that any Vodka, no matter how cheap or the brand, is awesome. But whiskey and or Bourbon can sometimes suck ass. Now, I know the process to creating these delicious beverages are probably both long, hard, tedious(that's what she said). Still, we can't find a common ground. Can't we find a way to make whiskey so that it tastes the way Vodka tastes? Meaning, the same all the time!
I am writing this because of Gran Legacy Blended Whiskey. It is sold at CVS Pharmacy and it takes a lot of it to catch a buzz. The flavor is that of old cola, sweetener, and shoe polish. It goes pretty good with Dr. Pepper or Diet Dr. Pepper. I tried a sip of it straight and it tasted like a Tijuana back alley abortion. And that's an understatement.

The moral of the story is, if you're gonna go cheap, go Vodka.
The culprit is the one on the right end. Yuck!
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